f Six Hundred & Sixty Two; The things I've learned about LDR so far. {6 stages of LDR & 6 essential tips}

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Six Hundred & Sixty Two; The things I've learned about LDR so far. {6 stages of LDR & 6 essential tips}

September 28, 2014 / ,


It has been almost two weeks since the long-distance with le buddy started,
and if I were to describe how I am feeling,
I would say, "So far so good!" :)
Although I am one who absolutely do not mind seeing each other every single day,
and as much as I enjoy the physical presence,
I am glad that I also enjoy my alone time a lot and am rather independent.
So, although I really miss him, I am managing well with the distance so far.
By the way, he went overseas to further his studies,
and may be there for a longer period for work.

In this entry, I will be sharing some of my personal thoughts,
and some reminders to myself on how to keep
this Long-Distance Relationship (LDR) thing going strong.
Maybe these thoughts will be useful for some of you who are going through the same thing. :)

First of all, there were 6 stages that I went through,
from the day I knew about his plans til date:

6 Stages of Long-Distance Relationship
1. Positivity
2. Realisation
3. Denial
4. Sadness
5. Emptiness
6. Acceptance



1. Positivity
When I first knew about his plans (which was at least 1 year ago), 
I was (& still am!) happy for him.
I am including this into the stages of LDR, 
because I consider this as the very beginning of the LDR.
I started preparing myself for the distance and uncertainty ahead.
I was genuinely happy for him because he has always wanted this;
I was glad he was determined enough to pursue it.
This is good for him, & good for our future too.
So I was generally feeling positive that we will work things out and
had nothing but those 'distance means nothing when the love is real' kinda thoughts.
For the next few months, we just carried on with our lives as usual.

2. Realisation
Approximately 2 months before The Day, I was finally hit by reality.
That sudden realisation..
That this was real. That he really was going to leave soon.
So for the last 2 months, I placed him as my priority.
Besides work, I made sure I spent as much time as I could with him.
I was happy with just staying home, & doing my work while he did his things,
so long as we were together in the same room.
I just wanted to cherish his physical presence as much as I could.
I realised that the distance was definitely not going to be easy.

3. Denial
Then came the denial part.
Approximately 1 month before The Day, I started being really emotional.
I would tear immediately at the thought of him leaving,
Admittedly, I blurted out before on 2 or 3 different occasions:
"Can you not go? Just stay in Singapore, with me?" 
Very drama, I know. hahahah.
A small part of me wished that the departure was not true,
that he was not going to leave afterall.
It was just a silly thought for that short period of time.

4. Sadness
The day before The Day & The Day were the toughest. 
I was like a tap water with constant flow of tears. 
We were both emotional, to be frank.
I cried myself to sleep on the night that he left.
At this point, it was the thought of missing him that made me really emotional.
The thought that I would not be seeing him for so long;
that I would not get to receive my tight hugs especially when I am down;
that I would not be able to steal kisses from him while he is playing dota;
that I would not have him around to wipe away my tears when I feel emotional;
that I would not head out for supper with him at 12am just to satisfy those random food cravings;
that I would not have him here to annoy me 24/7;
that.. 
etc etc. I could go on forever..


5. Emptiness
Suddenly, a huge part of me seemed to be missing.
I told le buddy that this felt like a 'break-up', only that it was obviously not.
A lot of things reminded me of him,
and how we used to do so many things together.
I guess this stage is inevitable BUT, 
I knew that this stage will only last for as long as I want it to.
Fortunately, it took me only 1-2 days to rid that feeling of emptiness.

6. Acceptance
This is the stage where I thought to myself:
'Okay, this LDR thing has really started.
& truth is.. life goes on.
Time to get back to my normal life & carry on with my own plans!'
I have accepted that while I may still feel that missing piece,
it is perfectly normal and I should focus on carrying out my plans for the next chapter of my life. 
I guess the main reason why I could came to this stage so quickly,
was because like what I said, I enjoy my alone time alot, and am rather independent. 
So as much as I still miss him alot, I was also looking forward 
to plan more things for myself, and spend more time with family and close friends.

-----------------------------------------

I am prolly not the best person to give advices on how to maintain a LDR,
since it has only been 2 weeks for me (although it kinda felt like two months already);
however, I just thought I could share some pointers,
which I feel are essential in keeping the LDR going strong.

6 Essential Tips for LDR:

1. Trust
We all know how important trust is in any relationship.
LDR requires even more trust than a normal r/s.
Those trust issues.. will be magnified with the long distance apart.
The distance can make you irrational and paranoid.
During the times when you are not whatsapping/facetime-ing/skyping your partner,
you would never know what they are really doing.
You gotta trust that during all those times, he/she is not doing anything that will hurt you.
You have to trust that your partner respect you and love you enough,
to not do the wrong things. 

2. Communication
To me, trust and communication really come hand-in-hand.
LDR nowadays are so much easier than before.
Facetime/Skype/Whatsapp and several other applications,
which allow us to see/hear our partner easily.
Well, they are definitely not the same as physical presence,
but they are the next best alternative.
Time differences can be quite a b****,
but it can all be worked out.
Set time aside and work out a schedule that is best for both parties.
Make an effort to talk daily, if not,
just as often as time allows.
Talk to your partner AND listen to him/her.
If you feel uneasy about something, tell him/her.
It is exceptionally important to be transparent in a LDR,
and to talk things out instead of accumulating the unhappy thoughts,
which can be really destructive.
Even if both of you have a really packed schedule,
exchanging that few sentences on whatsapp will make the difference.

3. Kill those negative thoughts in your mind
For instance, jealousy. 
Deal with jealousy.
Jealousy is different from trust;
you may trust someone alot, but you can still feel jealous.
Sometimes, those negative thoughts just creep into our minds,
but we have a choice in how we handle those emotions.
Distance does not ruin a relationship, doubts do.
Choose love over doubt. :)

4. Get used to the absence
You are going to face a lot of those moments where you will wish that 
your partner will be right beside you.
There will be situations where you would usually call him/her to your rescue,
but now, you can't.
Even if you call him/her, your partner can only comfort you with words.
But.. words can only go so far.
Those comfort hugs/kisses/cuddles?
Nope, no more.
Any solution to this? Nope.
You just gotta get used to his/her absence.

5. Alone, not lonely
Besides spending more time with your family and friends,
you have to enjoy your alone time,
and make good use of this time apart to do things for self-improvement.
You now have more time for yourself!
You have to be okay with doing things alone.
On a side note, I personally find independence attractive.

"You cannot be lonely, if you like the person you are alone with."
-- Wayne Dyer

6. Have a plan
It becomes much easier when you have a plan to look forward to.
Plan a date for the both of you to meet again!
Either you travel to find him/her, or vice versa.
It may not happen anytime soon, but counting down to the next time
you see each other again can be a great source of motivation. 
Knowing when you will meet again is essential to move forward,
and for the r/s to go strong.

These are the 6 basic points that I can think of at the moment,
and these are the points which I think are useful to me.
In time to come, if I think of any more things to share, I will! :)

To sum it up, relationships are never easy;
long-distance relationships are even more challenging.
LDRs are not for the faint of heart.
You will experience days when quarrels/arguments happen,
and the lack of physical presence makes sorting things out even tougher,
you will have bad days and your partner cannot be there for you,
you may have doubts,
you may be sick and tired of the uncertainties.
Let me assure you, as difficult as it may seem,
if it is the right person, it will be worth it.
As cliche as it sounds, distance means nothing if the love is real.
If both of you want each other enough,
you will overcome this together.
It takes a specific person to make a LDR work.
Both parties have to be equally committed for this challenge.
LDR will help us realise many things
and teach us a lot of things about ourselves AND our partners;
things that we may not have figured out otherwise.
For one, because the time you have together is limited,
you learn to cherish each other more.
Last but not least, have faith. :)


  1. I'm having a ldr with my girlfriend as well, and i went through the exact stages that you went through, with all the tears and all. you reminded me about stuffs that i should probably keep it in my mind, thank you shine, it was an awesome read.

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    Replies
    1. hi there!
      you are most welcome. its not easy, but jiayou for your ldr too :)

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  2. How long will he be staying over there? :)

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  3. I love this pair, stay tough Shine :)

    I am having LDR as well too, i began my r/ship with LDR too, and until now, it has been 4 years. I know you can make it too. At times i still find it tough to handle, and turn to be emotional. But it is not easy to find the right person as your life partner, so distance doesn't matter after all.. As distance makes the heart grows fonder :D haha. Hope you're doing fine and happy :) Regards from M'sia.

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    Replies
    1. Hihi!

      You are a strong lady yourself! im sure you went through a lot of ups and downs for the past 4 years, so please hang on there too :)

      Thank you for dropping by and leaving some words of encouragements for me. Really appreciate it a lot. :) Take care & best wishes!

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