f Five Hundred & Fifty Seven; The Noticer: Sometimes, all a person needs is a lil' perspective.


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Five Hundred & Fifty Seven; The Noticer: Sometimes, all a person needs is a lil' perspective.

July 17, 2013 /

Make-up: Christina Wong
Photographer: Andrew. N

Recently, I read another book by Andy Andrews,
"The Noticer"
(The first book I read was The Traveler's Giftwhich helped me quite a bit during that period of time. 
Itchanged my mindset on how I look at things..)
So anyways, once again, there were some takeaways from this book.

The one that left the most impression on me 
was the part where the author mentioned,

"The way we feel loved is usually the same way we express love."

From there, he mentioned that there are generally FOUR dialects 
that we use to relate & feel love. 
Some of us feel loved when we hear words of approval, 
some feel loved when you spend quality time with them, 
some feel loved when you give them a hug, 
some think that love is expressed when you do things for them.

& so, for each dialect, he used an animal as example.

1. Spoken words of approval - Animal Representative: Puppy
Tell a puppy how wonderful he is and his whole body swags. 
And how do we teach a puppy most effectively? 
With praise! E.g. "Good boy!" 

So yes, in this case, words of approval keep these people going. 
When you praise them, they feel that you have been noticing them 
& they feel loved this way.
Caution: For this category, nothing is more devastating 
than words of disapproval spoken in an angry tone of voice. 
You see, puppies cower as if they are under attack. 
So words of disapproval will usually hurt them & make them feel less loved. 
Therefore, when handling these people, 
you have to be very careful with how you phrase your words, 
because words affect them a lot.

2. Favours & Deeds - Animal Representative: Goldfish

"You cant really touch them. 
I dont know if they can hear you even if you do talk to them, 
so they dont want your affirmation. 
& as for quality time, they don't care if you're there or not. 
A goldfish just wants you to feed them and clean the bowl!"

The people in this category feels loved when you do things for them. 
For e.g. your partner feels your love for him/her 
if you would clear the laundry, trim the plants, 
grab their favourite food for them, etc. 
In this case, words of praises do not work as well on them; 
they prefer to see the actions being done.

3. Physical contact - Animal Representative: Cat
In short, cats just want to be rubbed and scratched, 
they love it when you pat them. 
They love the physical contact; that is how they feel most loved. 
And how does a cat express love? 
A cat will rub against you with its face or back. 
"Touch me," a cat says.

A simple pat on the back, a massage, a hug or a kiss;
people who speak this dialect of physical contact tend to feel most loved 
when affection is expressed in these forms.

4. Quality Time - Animal Representative: Canary
A canary is happiest when you sit & listen carefully to its song. 
And a canary that is ignored will die, 
not from lack of food but lack of love and attention.

If the person you love falls into this category, 
it means that he/she needs to spend quality time with you to feel your love. 
In order to be happy, he/she wants quality time spent alone with you, 
& during this time, he/she wants undivided attention from you, 
perhaps a good chat or even just doing simple things together like watching movie 
or having a meal together. 
A canary says, "Just be with me."

Andy Andrews mentioned, 
"These dialects, when you get good at spotting them, 
can help you communicate with your kids, your friends, 
even people you work with. 
Won't the world be a better place when we understand them all?"

By understanding the dialects, 
you will learn how to love the people around you 
in ways that they want to be loved. 
It helps, a lot. 

You know how sometimes, at a point of the relationship,
one party may feel that the other party is not loving him/her as much as before?
I think this is a common problem faced in many relationships..
Well now you know, 
that could be simply because they have never fully understood 
the other party's dialect of love. 
& once you do, the relationship can definitely be salvaged.

"Just because someone doesn't love you
the way you want them to,
it doesn't mean they don't love you 
with all they have."

We cannot blindly express love to the people we love 
in the same ways that make us feel loved,
& expect them to be contented and happy.
What if they tell you that they don't feel loved 
even though you have expressed your love in the best way that you could?
Does that mean that one party is loving lesser?Does that mean that this relationship cannot work out for sure? It could just be due to the different dialects of love.

Thus, it is important to communicate and understand the other party's dialect of love.
That being said, it is important to know YOUR dialect of love as well,
so that you can communicate it to the people who love you.
YOU should be allowed to feel loved too.

I found this really useful & I hope it was useful for you too :)
Besides this, allow me to share more about this book!

Basically, "The Noticer" is a book 
which reminded me to look at things from different perspectives.

It is about an old man aka The Noticer, 
who always appeared at the right time to different people, 
to save them from their situations.
How did he do so?
Simply by talking to them 
& inserting a different perspective to how they viewed their situations;
allowing them to see things in a different way.

"In desperate times, much more than anything else, folks need perspective. 
For perspective brings calm. Calm leads to clear thinking. 
Clear thinking yields new ideas. 
And ideas produce the bloom...of an answer. 
Keep your head and heart clear. 
Perspective can just as easily be lost as it can be found."

Cliche as it sounds, but perspectives make a whole lot of difference.

You know how sometimes when we get too used to the idea that we are in 'misery',
we tend to focus on the negative, 
& you have those kind of 
'when you think it can't get any worse, it can.' feeling? 

You know, in such circumstances, we have two choices.
To be positive & pull yourself outta that misery & self-pity state,
or continue to be all negative & fall deeper into the hole.
Either way, it's not going to be easy;
but being positive can definitely bring about a better outcome.

"Remember, whatever you focus upon, increases...
When you focus on the things you need, you'll find those needs increasing. 

If you concentrate your thoughts on what you don't have, 
you will soon be concentrating on other things that you had forgotten you don't have
-and feel worse! 
If you set your mind on loss, you are more likely to lose...
But a grateful perspective brings happiness and abundance into a person's life."

The Noticer has also reminded me that intention, without any act, 
is simply useless.

"Despite popular belief to the contrary, there is absolutely no power in intention. 
The seagull may intend to fly away, may decide to do so, 
may talk with the other seagulls about how wonderful it is to fly, 
but until the seagull flaps his wings and takes to the air, 
he is still on the dock. 
There’s no difference between that gull and all the others. 
Likewise, there is no difference in the person who intends to do things differently 
and the one who never thinks about it in the first place. 
Have you ever considered how often we judge ourselves by our intentions 
while we judge others by their actions? 
Yet intention without action is an insult to those who expect the best from you."

 How often have we intended to do something,
but ended up not doing it.
& then we console ourselves by thinking,
"I wanted to.. well, at least I intended to."

Now we know, fact is, that "intention" made no difference..

Last but not least,
this phrase was definitely one of my favourites.

"Everybody wants to be on the mountaintop, 
but if you'll remember, mountaintops are rocky and cold. 
There is no growth on the top of a mountain. 
Sure, the view is great, but what's a view for? 
A view just gives us a glimpse of our next destination-our next target. 
But to hit that target, we must come off the mountain, 
go through the valley, and begin to climb the next slope. 
It is in the valley that we slog through the lush grass and rich soil, 
learning and becoming what enables us to summit life's next peak."

Yes, it is always good to set targets for ourselves.
But do we stop once we reach the target,
be complacent & remain stagnant?
No we don't!
We can enjoy the fruits of our labour,

but never stop too long to admire the view,
that you forget to move on & look further.
Never be afraid to go through another level of obstacles,
to reach the next target. 
Keep going, further & better!!

This book was really easy to read, & I got it from the library.
Hopefully my sharing has helped you in one way or another :)

_P.S I think I am a canary with a bit of puppy nature
(because words of disapproval affect me a lot).
What about you?!

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