December 2, 2010
Two Hundred & Seventy Seven.
"When things feel awful it's hard to see the outcome.
It's hard to stay positive & stretch our limbs to the sky each day.
People leave, we leave, & it's always hard because you think:
why didn't they love me?
what did i do wrong?
do they care?
what about me?
& you let those questions, each question, hollow you out a little more until your body is the heaviest hollow there could be.
You can feel the question, each question, ache in different parts.
Why didn't they love me, how could they love someone more?
It aches in your belly, keeps you from eating.
What did i do wrong?
Your constant retelling of every moment spent together, analyzing, it aches your whole skull.
Do they care?
The thought that they don't care, that they don't think about your needs or worries or wants, well that aches in all the limbs.
These aches make us weak, they keep us in bed fearing sleep.
They keep us from telephones, from computers, from friends.
Because 'why did they leave, why did they leave me?'
We are self centered by nature.
People exist in our lives because they are meant to.
Each person, lovely or awful.
They exist for exactly the amount of time they should.
They teach us things: little things, extraordinary things about ourselves, our lives, the everything around us.
That doesn't make it easier to say good bye.
It doesn't make it easier to think that they have finished their task, made you stronger, & we must be strong.
We must be strong.
You exist, & it is extraordinary."
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