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Sixty Nine.

October 14, 2009 /

I predict an even more hectic week ahead.
Mad rush, mad cycles all over agn.
The projects are getting tougher & more requirements are needed.
Tell me, how do we start revision when the final exam is like in
one month time?
I think our last proj ends just 2 weeks before exam or so.

Just as I was chatting with James on MSN ytd,
the more I study, the more I'll question myself why am I even in Accountancy to begin with.
why am I making myself suffer so much?
& everyday, I'd just question myself continuously,
Am I just not smart enough?
Am I just not capable enough?

The inferiority never faded once, since Yr 1 Day 1.
I know, I've told myself, & some others ard me,
to not compare yourself with the others ard,
who are really smart & capable.
just set my/your own standards & target..
Nevertheless, it's inevitable to feel inferior, isnt it?

what's more, I'm actually a very competitive person.
but right now, it's like,
I dont even the right/capability to be competitive in the first place.

To the extent that, I've become ever more conscious of what I speak,
because somehow,
I just feel that everything that I say,
or try to contribute during discussions,
it feels stupid somehow.
I cant even express myself properly/clearly now.

This, was not how I used to be.
I used to be able to lead quite well,
to be able to present my presentations/speeches confidently,
& most importantly, the confidence in me which used to exist naturally,
seems to be long gone..

Am I just not up to it?
Oh well, the fact that I manage to do well for O levels, A Levels,
& then got myself a place in NTU(NBS) Accountancy,
shows that I still deserve to be where I am today right?

Even though I strongly believe that,
I'd be able to survive in the working society at the end of th
e day..
& that it's no pt getting GPA 5.0 & straight As for the 3 yrs,
graduating with first class honours,
but end up flopping & not be able to deal with ppl ard you in the work place,
which ultimately is the next impt phase of our lives.
at the end of the day, who cares abt that degree?
(maybe it matters, only at the beg of your career)
it's really how you perform & allow yourself to shine,
your capability aint based on merely that cert..

but still, i really want to graduate with a good honours degree..
It's just tt, I cant instill that "Heck Care" attitude in me..
but Uni made me realise that,
effort do not pay off all the time..

in any case, on a lighter note,
im gg for first blood donation tmr!
hopefully I can meet the criterias/requirements.. ;p
anw, Ive so so so many ppl whom I'll really wna meet up with..
I really miss them loads.
but seems like I really dont have the time to.
Do I really hafta endure all the way til 25th Nov?!
terrible shit.......
okayokay bottomline is,
i think i still do not regret choosing this course..
at the end of the day,
im still seeking for stability, & a great income.
the fact that Ive already chosen this path,
Imma make the best outta it.
climb, climb, climb up the ladder,
is still what i'd be aiming for my career in future.
slog for the first few years like nobody's biz,
& enjoy later.

as the chinese saying goes,
"先甜后苦,苦更苦;
先苦后甜,甜更甜。”

In any case,
I think & I'd like to believe that,
I'm still very much an optimistic & motivated person :)

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